I’ve recently began hiking. Not so small a feat for someone who hasn’t had much athletic successes. My fiance and I hike up a mountain, him much more adept at climbing than me. The first time up, I asked “But wouldn’t it make more sense if the ground was flat if you are supposed to walk on it?” Once I realized I needed to push myself forward and out of my comfort zone, I kept going (huffing and puffing) and now am happy to say I can keep up with my guy.
So what does this have to do with “relationship clutter?” It’s about the climb of life. As we continue to grow and evolve and need to take our lives to the next level, some people whom we’ve had many mutual experiences with may show that it’s more difficult for them to make the climb with you, or even watch you make yours alone. Recently I saw Oprah say that she has a friend that calls people not ready to take the hike as “not having enough oxygen.” Her meaning was that as you climb your hill or mountain, people in your life that have been walking side-by-side with you may not be ready to make the climb. Being as difficult as it is, they have to decide if they want to push harder and make great strides with you, or not. Many times “not” means they may build a lot of resentment for you in the process, which will inevitably affect your growth.
When I tell people what I do, they often say “oh, I have so many things in my house, I can use you!” But the definition of clutter is not just things alone, but comes in many forms. One of it’s most powerful, disheartening forms is “relationship clutter.” Re-assess your relationships. Some will be powerful and keep you on your path, many will require some fine tuning, a few may loosen a bit just to come back around, and the rest may just be ready for some emotional “relationship de-cluttering.” Keep on climbing to the top of your journey.
What to Toss, What to Keep...
When I meet with a new client, we look at what they own, what they’d like to keep and lastly, what makes the most sense for them and their lifestyle. With many people, they want to keep things even if it’s not something they use or even like. They might feel guilty about letting go of something someone else has given them as a gift that they don’t use, an expensive item that they bought or was handed down to them by parents or in-laws that doesn’t fit into their home or lifestyle, or things that they think they may want to use in the future, but the odds are particularly slim that they will.
These items are usually in the family of “if I entertain again I’ll need this, although I don’t have any desire to do so” (and who uses a fondue maker anymore anyway?), “This was such a beautiful outfit and I’m hoping the style comes back (styles change and even if they come back, there’s always something about them that’s different) or many times “This is just too expensive to throw away” (the suggestion to donate to needy people almost always alleviates the guilt).
Your lifestyle and the things you surround yourself with should be a positive reflection of who you are, where you want to be and will help you feel most at home with yourself. The joy of living authentically is that although we are not always where we want to be, we can recognize where we are now and then the work that needs to be done to get where we want to be. It allows us to be seen for who we really are and appreciated for that person, as well as give others the feeling when they are around us, that they can be who they truly are.
It’s about letting what’s inside come out and represent us through our things and our image, being honest with ourselves to live life to its fullest. Click here to see Jane's journey by reading her case study and testimonial
These items are usually in the family of “if I entertain again I’ll need this, although I don’t have any desire to do so” (and who uses a fondue maker anymore anyway?), “This was such a beautiful outfit and I’m hoping the style comes back (styles change and even if they come back, there’s always something about them that’s different) or many times “This is just too expensive to throw away” (the suggestion to donate to needy people almost always alleviates the guilt).
Your lifestyle and the things you surround yourself with should be a positive reflection of who you are, where you want to be and will help you feel most at home with yourself. The joy of living authentically is that although we are not always where we want to be, we can recognize where we are now and then the work that needs to be done to get where we want to be. It allows us to be seen for who we really are and appreciated for that person, as well as give others the feeling when they are around us, that they can be who they truly are.
It’s about letting what’s inside come out and represent us through our things and our image, being honest with ourselves to live life to its fullest. Click here to see Jane's journey by reading her case study and testimonial
Keeping the Holidays Simple and Healthy
When we are experiencing holiday stress, it surfaces through one or more of four areas:
The following are some tips to get organized, beat the stress and have a healthy holiday:
Holiday Shopping:
Having the holidays come at the end of the year is an appropriate time to be reflective, thankful and remind others of what they mean to us. Many times with the holiday rush, outside pressures and a tendency toward perfectionism, these sentiments can get lost. When we give to others, why let price ranges and feelings of obligation get in our way? Try instead to remind loved ones that their relationship with you is your gift and you don't want them to feel the pressure and obligation (and financial expense) of enduring the holiday rush and buy you something. Instead, you'd like to enjoy some time together, even if it needs to technically be after the holidays. You may be surprised at their response, allowing you both to enjoy the holidays without outside pressures from marketers and retailers to buy (and over-buy).
Reminding children of what gifts mean and giving them realistic expectations of what they will be receiving can give them the gift of understanding how to set priorities and boundaries in their adult lives and the true meaning of giving.
Entertaining and Holiday Decorating:
Holidays are about getting together, sharing a meal and enjoying each others company. Many times it turns into worries about entertaining and how it may not be enough. Don't forget to enjoy the moment and allow yourself to be human. Perfectionism and worrying what others will think are spiritual killers of the holidays. Think of Julia Child, a world renowned cook when she says "One of the secrets, and pleasures, of cooking it to learn to correct something if it goes awry; and one of they lessons is to grin and bear it if it cannot be fixed" and " This is my invariable advice to people: Learn how to cook - try new recipes, learn from your mistakes, be fearless, and above all have fun!” This can be applied to both cooking and hosting/entertaining.
Schedules:
With everything and everyone coming at you at once, it is okay to postpone some holiday cheer until after the new year. It’s important to be able to prioritize and be kind to yourself as more and more demands come your way. To help keep your holiday events and invites organized, make sure to keep everything in your calendar to get an overview of what your weeks ahead look like so you can manage your time appropriately. Also break down any large and daunting projects into manageable tasks so you can prevent yourself from feeling overwhelmed.
Eating Healthy:
Worrying what to eat when you go to restaurants for the holidays? Check out menus before-hand so you have a sense of what is available and what your eating plan will allow. Going to a buffet-style event? Do what I call the “food tour” to see what is available and then pick your favorite favorites in moderation and enjoy every bite. When going to events at people’s homes, try and make sure to watch portions so you can taste all of the host’s thoughtful preparation without overdoing it.
When coming up upon the holidays, be prepared by trying to do as much as early as possible. Keeping lists of people you gift and send holiday cards to will help, as well as keeping things simple (which can mean “elegant”). Many times, people remember the way they feel, not the taste of the meals, the decorations or the gift themselves. Be your best self and enjoy what really CAN be the most wonderful time of the year.
- Holiday Gift Shopping/Gifting
- Entertaining/Holiday Decorating
- Stretched Schedules
- Eating Unhealthy Foods
The following are some tips to get organized, beat the stress and have a healthy holiday:
Holiday Shopping:
Having the holidays come at the end of the year is an appropriate time to be reflective, thankful and remind others of what they mean to us. Many times with the holiday rush, outside pressures and a tendency toward perfectionism, these sentiments can get lost. When we give to others, why let price ranges and feelings of obligation get in our way? Try instead to remind loved ones that their relationship with you is your gift and you don't want them to feel the pressure and obligation (and financial expense) of enduring the holiday rush and buy you something. Instead, you'd like to enjoy some time together, even if it needs to technically be after the holidays. You may be surprised at their response, allowing you both to enjoy the holidays without outside pressures from marketers and retailers to buy (and over-buy).
Reminding children of what gifts mean and giving them realistic expectations of what they will be receiving can give them the gift of understanding how to set priorities and boundaries in their adult lives and the true meaning of giving.
Entertaining and Holiday Decorating:
Holidays are about getting together, sharing a meal and enjoying each others company. Many times it turns into worries about entertaining and how it may not be enough. Don't forget to enjoy the moment and allow yourself to be human. Perfectionism and worrying what others will think are spiritual killers of the holidays. Think of Julia Child, a world renowned cook when she says "One of the secrets, and pleasures, of cooking it to learn to correct something if it goes awry; and one of they lessons is to grin and bear it if it cannot be fixed" and " This is my invariable advice to people: Learn how to cook - try new recipes, learn from your mistakes, be fearless, and above all have fun!” This can be applied to both cooking and hosting/entertaining.
Schedules:
With everything and everyone coming at you at once, it is okay to postpone some holiday cheer until after the new year. It’s important to be able to prioritize and be kind to yourself as more and more demands come your way. To help keep your holiday events and invites organized, make sure to keep everything in your calendar to get an overview of what your weeks ahead look like so you can manage your time appropriately. Also break down any large and daunting projects into manageable tasks so you can prevent yourself from feeling overwhelmed.
Eating Healthy:
Worrying what to eat when you go to restaurants for the holidays? Check out menus before-hand so you have a sense of what is available and what your eating plan will allow. Going to a buffet-style event? Do what I call the “food tour” to see what is available and then pick your favorite favorites in moderation and enjoy every bite. When going to events at people’s homes, try and make sure to watch portions so you can taste all of the host’s thoughtful preparation without overdoing it.
When coming up upon the holidays, be prepared by trying to do as much as early as possible. Keeping lists of people you gift and send holiday cards to will help, as well as keeping things simple (which can mean “elegant”). Many times, people remember the way they feel, not the taste of the meals, the decorations or the gift themselves. Be your best self and enjoy what really CAN be the most wonderful time of the year.
Pruning For a Fuller and More Beautiful Life
The sweltering summer heat has taken a toll on my plants and flowers outside of my home. Brown sticks and burnt leaves have replaced the beautiful foliage. For weeks I water them hoping they will come back to life and be what they once were, but to my dismay, they are only getting worse. Finally, I succumb and with hedge clipper and scissors in hand, I bravely chop off all the brown branches and leaves I can possibly find. I only hope that the remaining plant cannot feel the chomp and then the loss.
Days later, the flowers and plants looked kind of lonely and shaven. A few days after that, the plants were fuller with some new greens slowly growing in. Days later as I was jollying up the driveway, I stopped in my tracks as I barely recognized these full, colorful, boisterous plants growing in my yard.
Being a personal organizer, the parallel of dead branches on beautiful plants and flowers paralleled to me what clutter does to people’s homes and consciousness. When I talk about clutter, I refer to it in all its forms – objects, toxic relationships and wasting time. It kills the best in us and gives us nothing in return. Gretchen Dock, a very good friend of mine, refers to this as a “net negative.” Not only does it add nothing, it takes away so much.
Many times, if something doesn’t feel right, it’s not right. If you have been expending energy on a person, maintaining things or participating in an activity that makes you feel sad, angry, anxious or unsure, it may be time to assess if it needs to be pruned.
When I work with clients, I find that the amount of release and relief is astounding when people let go of something that is a “net negative.” As you’ll notice, living authentically is something that I write about many times in my posts. This is because it allows us to make smart decisions, live our passion and give your love in the best possible spirit. Pruning in a garden is done to make the tree bear better fruit, grow higher and give it more life. Our lives also need attention and care if it is to flourish and beautify. So be brave, yet thoughtful, with imaginary hedge clippers in hand and see what needs to be pruned to make your life fuller and more beautiful.
Days later, the flowers and plants looked kind of lonely and shaven. A few days after that, the plants were fuller with some new greens slowly growing in. Days later as I was jollying up the driveway, I stopped in my tracks as I barely recognized these full, colorful, boisterous plants growing in my yard.
Being a personal organizer, the parallel of dead branches on beautiful plants and flowers paralleled to me what clutter does to people’s homes and consciousness. When I talk about clutter, I refer to it in all its forms – objects, toxic relationships and wasting time. It kills the best in us and gives us nothing in return. Gretchen Dock, a very good friend of mine, refers to this as a “net negative.” Not only does it add nothing, it takes away so much.
Many times, if something doesn’t feel right, it’s not right. If you have been expending energy on a person, maintaining things or participating in an activity that makes you feel sad, angry, anxious or unsure, it may be time to assess if it needs to be pruned.
When I work with clients, I find that the amount of release and relief is astounding when people let go of something that is a “net negative.” As you’ll notice, living authentically is something that I write about many times in my posts. This is because it allows us to make smart decisions, live our passion and give your love in the best possible spirit. Pruning in a garden is done to make the tree bear better fruit, grow higher and give it more life. Our lives also need attention and care if it is to flourish and beautify. So be brave, yet thoughtful, with imaginary hedge clippers in hand and see what needs to be pruned to make your life fuller and more beautiful.
Why get organized?
When people want to live a healthy, authentic life, they may ask themselves "What does getting things organized have to do with good health and consciousness?" From my experiences working with clients in all areas, the clutter always begins from a place inside. It could be through a harrowing personal loss, feeling as though you are not living your life because you are putting other people first, trying to "fix" situations that are out of your control, being unable to let go of the past in order to live in the present, or just having too much on your plate. Looking at piles of clothing that doesn't suit (or fit) you any longer, business or personal papers that you need to muddle through to find anything or things in your home that don't reflect who you are can lead to living a life that is no longer yours.
While de-cluttering, I can't tell you how many times clients say "I was looking for that!" or "I don't know what that is or how it got in my home." This is a reflection of not living in the present and acknowledging who you are and what you need to live life to the fullest. I take it as a compliment when clients tell me that they can hear my voice when I am not there asking them key questions about why they want to keep items or buy something new. Using a sensible, honest and empathetic approach gives them insight which saves an astounding amount of time and money. Going through personal items can be an emotional and exhausting process, but the benefits are huge. A woman I've been partnering with told me recently that she has been able to make decisions in all areas of her life better since we began the process of de-cluttering because she now has a framework to draw from. Since she has unburdened herself of the clutter, she can focus on what's really important in her life - her family, her career, and her health.
Being healthy is a physical process of eating whole, nutritious foods and exercising. It is also a practice on keeping our emotional selves intact and clearing out things that are unhealthy for us - unhealthy environments, toxic relationships and unrealistic schedules being at the top of the list.
Don't be afraid of change. Rearrange your home so it gives you a hug whenever you walk through the door and clear out your office so it is a place that gives you inspiration. Make your kitchen the place that provides you with health & vitality and allow your wardrobe to express your personal style and where you are (and want to be) in your life. Special people, places and things in your life will stand out once the clutter no longer takes over.
While de-cluttering, I can't tell you how many times clients say "I was looking for that!" or "I don't know what that is or how it got in my home." This is a reflection of not living in the present and acknowledging who you are and what you need to live life to the fullest. I take it as a compliment when clients tell me that they can hear my voice when I am not there asking them key questions about why they want to keep items or buy something new. Using a sensible, honest and empathetic approach gives them insight which saves an astounding amount of time and money. Going through personal items can be an emotional and exhausting process, but the benefits are huge. A woman I've been partnering with told me recently that she has been able to make decisions in all areas of her life better since we began the process of de-cluttering because she now has a framework to draw from. Since she has unburdened herself of the clutter, she can focus on what's really important in her life - her family, her career, and her health.
Being healthy is a physical process of eating whole, nutritious foods and exercising. It is also a practice on keeping our emotional selves intact and clearing out things that are unhealthy for us - unhealthy environments, toxic relationships and unrealistic schedules being at the top of the list.
Don't be afraid of change. Rearrange your home so it gives you a hug whenever you walk through the door and clear out your office so it is a place that gives you inspiration. Make your kitchen the place that provides you with health & vitality and allow your wardrobe to express your personal style and where you are (and want to be) in your life. Special people, places and things in your life will stand out once the clutter no longer takes over.
Beijing.
Recently having returned from Beijing, I am reflective of how the culture is so different than my own and in certain ways, how much healthier and more organized it is.
Leaving out of NY, Air China (unlike many other airlines) had no long lines of distressed passengers, no need to take your shoes off or pull out small baggies of your 3 oz essentials. Everything went easily and swimmingly. With the agents having a positive, service-minded attitude, it made the process easier for everyone, including the agents themselves. After a 13-1/2 hour flight from NY into Beijing, I was happily surprised how efficiently the lines moved in customs, the agents were friendly, locals offered advice and generosity, and we didn't feel like it was torture to get through immigration. We expected to be waiting for our luggage for a while, but our bags arrived right away and the passengers could use the airport carriage carts for free - which means no digging for change and figuring out how to disconnect the carriage from the train of other carriages. Talk about organized and efficient!
Touring through Asia, I noticed how much healthier a lifestyle the locals lived. With automobiles being a rare entity, most citizens walked or rode bicycles to get to their destinations giving them daily exercise - no need to go to the gym in a sweaty workout room. While I was walking through the streets around our hotel and then through Tiananmen Square where many locals strolled along, the only food I saw people eating were small portions of candy coated fruit on a stick (somewhat like a candy apple, only smaller fruits cut out to quarter sized pieces). I didn't see anyone munching on jumbo pretzels, french fries, sandwiches or huge portions of ice cream.
When we went to a restaurant, the practice was to order several plates to be shared by everyone. Without a huge plate of food in front of you begging to be eaten, we scooped an appropriate amount on our plates while being conscious of the rest of our party wanting to try it also. This led to less eating, not to mention that the chopsticks slowed us down quite a bit (as opposed to forks and spoons which can easily be used as shovels). I didn't see any soda being served - only water, all natural fruit juice or green tea (the mandarin and watermelon juices were delicious!). At the beginning of our meals, there was no tempting bread basket offered or hearty dessert menus once we were finished. Just plenty of vegetables (and meat for those who wanted it) and steamed rice served for our meals (I also saw egg white fried rice, which was a first for me). The service in general was impeccable, with most waiters surprised by a tip - some even refusing to take it.
Beijing was a trip I will always remember and cherish. Walking up the Great Wall was one of the best experiences of my life. Asia, I miss you already!!
Leaving out of NY, Air China (unlike many other airlines) had no long lines of distressed passengers, no need to take your shoes off or pull out small baggies of your 3 oz essentials. Everything went easily and swimmingly. With the agents having a positive, service-minded attitude, it made the process easier for everyone, including the agents themselves. After a 13-1/2 hour flight from NY into Beijing, I was happily surprised how efficiently the lines moved in customs, the agents were friendly, locals offered advice and generosity, and we didn't feel like it was torture to get through immigration. We expected to be waiting for our luggage for a while, but our bags arrived right away and the passengers could use the airport carriage carts for free - which means no digging for change and figuring out how to disconnect the carriage from the train of other carriages. Talk about organized and efficient!
Touring through Asia, I noticed how much healthier a lifestyle the locals lived. With automobiles being a rare entity, most citizens walked or rode bicycles to get to their destinations giving them daily exercise - no need to go to the gym in a sweaty workout room. While I was walking through the streets around our hotel and then through Tiananmen Square where many locals strolled along, the only food I saw people eating were small portions of candy coated fruit on a stick (somewhat like a candy apple, only smaller fruits cut out to quarter sized pieces). I didn't see anyone munching on jumbo pretzels, french fries, sandwiches or huge portions of ice cream.
When we went to a restaurant, the practice was to order several plates to be shared by everyone. Without a huge plate of food in front of you begging to be eaten, we scooped an appropriate amount on our plates while being conscious of the rest of our party wanting to try it also. This led to less eating, not to mention that the chopsticks slowed us down quite a bit (as opposed to forks and spoons which can easily be used as shovels). I didn't see any soda being served - only water, all natural fruit juice or green tea (the mandarin and watermelon juices were delicious!). At the beginning of our meals, there was no tempting bread basket offered or hearty dessert menus once we were finished. Just plenty of vegetables (and meat for those who wanted it) and steamed rice served for our meals (I also saw egg white fried rice, which was a first for me). The service in general was impeccable, with most waiters surprised by a tip - some even refusing to take it.
Beijing was a trip I will always remember and cherish. Walking up the Great Wall was one of the best experiences of my life. Asia, I miss you already!!
Being You.
Last night I went to a seminar given by Elizabeth Lehmann of Restoring Connection. Amongst other things, we talked about going deep and connecting with our essence. One of the comments that evening that really resonated with me was “Honor your weaknesses.” Honor your weaknesses? Aren’t you supposed to challenge your weaknesses, and win? When I thought about what honoring your weaknesses meant, something settled within me. I thought, yes, be gentle with yourself. I woke up this morning, thinking “go to your essence” and felt a deeper connection with myself.
Then as fate would have it, in reading one of my healthy living newsletters later that morning, there was an article written by Martha Beck that outlined overcoming the theory of being self conscious. How many times does it stop us from doing or saying what we instinctfully want to do for fear that others will disapprove and it will embarrass us or take us down a notch? Well, researchers Gilovich and Medvec found in other studies that, in the long run, people most often regret the things they failed to try, rather than the things they bombed at. Trying yields either success or an opportunity to learn; not trying has no positive result besides avoiding mockery or envy that (research shows) wouldn't be nearly as big or bad as we fear. Another point made was that other people rarely even remember our gaffus or mistakes, and when they do, they are hardly as exaggerated as we think they are in other people’s minds. Martha Beck went as far to go big and silly, acting with very little restriction, exaggerating her gestures and responses to see other people’s reactions. What she found was although she attracted more attention, most people seem to feel pleased and liberated, feeling safer in their own skin by her willingness to live large in hers, none of the disapproving judgment she expected,
The next time you want to be you but something feels like it takes hold of you and pushes you back, think “what would happen if I just was?” Go for your dreams, if it’s a big project, a blind date, wearing something you love but feel “it just isn’t you” or singing loudly at a concert, go for it, all the while being gentle with yourself. Let the child within you come out, recognizing that child wants approval, love and security – and just may get it by being who she or he is.
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